Okay, I didn’t mean that. There are actually quite a few damn funny people hooked into that site; humor-blogs.com is like the hub of a multi-spoked, demented, seriously off-balance Wheel of Funny.
Plus it’s a convenient stepping-stone for identifying my competition; now that I know who they are, I expect to ruin their credit ratings by stealing their identities and buying millions of Chia Pets in their names.
Apologies for the short gap in posting. I’ve been thinking about how to respond to a surprising “cease and desist” letter I received last week. Normally, these things shower down upon me like snow in January, to as little effect, but this one was different.
You see, it was signed by a few people whose name I recognized: Bill Gates (yeah, the Microsoft guy — former minion of mine, now in open rebellion, due for a comeuppance, long story), Sergey Brin (Google, same basic siutation), Jeffrey Bezos (CEO of amazon.com) and Pierre Omidyar (EBay dude).
Rather than try to summarize the letter, I’ll just reproduce it here in its entirety:
Proving once again the appropriateness of my long-standing affinity for Japanese culture and tradition, I give you this Word For The Day (this is a rare non-English WFTD, merited by its elegance and compactness):
Tsujigiri: “The testing of a new sword on a chance passerby.”
If you ever wondered why the Japanese evolved that highly intricate and ritualized politeness, the fact that there’s a single word in their language for this concept shows you the reasons for it.
Metaphorically, I practice tsujigiri all the time.
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Apparently the threat of terrorism is like cumin, or chili powder: sprinkle it on an epic screw-up and it makes everything taste a lot better.
Witness what happened recently in Florida, which was plunged briefly back into the Stone Age by rolling power outages. In practically every article about that event, there was a statement that the blackouts did not appear to be caused by terrorism.
Wow! That makes me feel so much better! It’s very comforting to know that, through no intentional act, an entire slice of United States civilization was taken off-line, just by completely random events. We can all rest much easier now.
One gets the feeling that we’ll start seeing news squibs like the following:
Technologists are eternal optimists, in that they blithely assume that their new products will never turn manifestly evil.
But of course, even the most innocuous inventions can misfire, even when one is not actively seeking to use them for harm (and don’t let any guy fool you — the first thing any normal guy thinks when he’s confronted with a new device or technology is “How could I break this?” Another part of him is only a step behind, thinking “How can I use this as a weapon?” A slightly lower layer, a sort of ever-present meta-theme permeating all guys’ thoughts, of course, is “How can I use this to attract the babes?” ).
Given the U.S.’s recent successful shootdown of its own satellite, some people have suggested I post a piece I circulated a little while back on a private list. So, here it is, with an addendum.
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As a parent of young children, I have developed a low-cost solution to the nation’s ballistic missile defense needs: Three-year-olds!
Whenever a monkey tries to climb the ladder to get the banana, all the monkeys are sprayed with blasts of cold water.The monkeys quickly learn to Avoid The Banana, and none of the original group tries to venture up the ladder after the group has been sprayed a few times.
So far this is your standard-issue animal torture. But this experiment gets interesting when you start replacing the original monkeys with new monkeys.When the first new monkey makes a move toward The Forbidden Banana, all the original monkeys with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Spraying Disorder) immediately kick the crap out of him.And if you’ve never had to fend off an attacking monkey, let me tell you, even just one monkey can administer a serious whuppin’.
Just checking to see whether the YouTube video embed function I’ve installed is working properly; I might delete this test post if it is or if it isn’t. Do not click on this link unless 1) you know some “l33t speak” (including at the least “ROFLMAO”); 2) you are a fan of World of WarCraft; and 3) you are willing to lose several IQ points (because this vid is just so stupid it’s hilarious, and it will definitely harm your brain).
I figure if enough people watch this video, then my Rapid International Takeover will be that much easier to execute, since there will be far fewer intelligent people left to deal with; in other words, I’m synergistically adding value.
UPDATE:
Look, I’ve been thinking about this, and I’m starting to conclude that it was a serious mistake to post this video link. If you click on it, you’ll think less of me. So don’t click on it.
You still want to click on it, don’t you?
Seriously, don’t. You’ll sit there wondering why the hell you’re watching it, wait for it to get better, and before you know it the whole thing will be done and you’ll be angry about engaging in a colossal waste of time and wondering if there’s someone you can sue to get that 5 minutes of your life back. Since there isn’t, you’ll just get angry at me, flame me and vow never to view this blog again (even though deep inside you know you’ll come back). But all that resentment will just make it harder to recruit you into my Secret Cabal.
Because relentless Valentine’s Day advertising by DeBeers (subtle hidden message to him: “if you buy her a diamond, she’ll sleep with you!”; subtle hidden message to her: “if he doesn’t buy you a diamond, you shouldn’t sleep with him!”) doesn’t make people insecure enough this time of year, now comes the Wall Street Journal to report that, through advanced brain imaging technology, it is now possible to scientifically confirm the existence of true, unending love.
This immediately eliminates the comfortable illusion clung to by much of the populace that people who claim they still feel like teenagers towards each other are either 1) mentally deranged or 2) lying through their teeth. It’s about as cruel as scientifically proving that billionaires really are ecstatically happy, leading deeply fulfilling lives, and regarding less-wealthy people as substantially inferior to themselves, rather than, say, walking around with fake smiles while they’re screaming inside. Continue Reading »
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