Apparently the threat of terrorism is like cumin, or chili powder: sprinkle it on an epic screw-up and it makes everything taste a lot better.
Witness what happened recently in Florida, which was plunged briefly back into the Stone Age by rolling power outages. In practically every article about that event, there was a statement that the blackouts did not appear to be caused by terrorism.
Wow! That makes me feel so much better! It’s very comforting to know that, through no intentional act, an entire slice of United States civilization was taken off-line, just by completely random events. We can all rest much easier now.
One gets the feeling that we’ll start seeing news squibs like the following:
Just checking to see whether the YouTube video embed function I’ve installed is working properly; I might delete this test post if it is or if it isn’t. Do not click on this link unless 1) you know some “l33t speak” (including at the least “ROFLMAO”); 2) you are a fan of World of WarCraft; and 3) you are willing to lose several IQ points (because this vid is just so stupid it’s hilarious, and it will definitely harm your brain).
I figure if enough people watch this video, then my Rapid International Takeover will be that much easier to execute, since there will be far fewer intelligent people left to deal with; in other words, I’m synergistically adding value.
UPDATE:
Look, I’ve been thinking about this, and I’m starting to conclude that it was a serious mistake to post this video link. If you click on it, you’ll think less of me. So don’t click on it.
You still want to click on it, don’t you?
Seriously, don’t. You’ll sit there wondering why the hell you’re watching it, wait for it to get better, and before you know it the whole thing will be done and you’ll be angry about engaging in a colossal waste of time and wondering if there’s someone you can sue to get that 5 minutes of your life back. Since there isn’t, you’ll just get angry at me, flame me and vow never to view this blog again (even though deep inside you know you’ll come back). But all that resentment will just make it harder to recruit you into my Secret Cabal.
Alright, this one was so damn subtle it almost slipped by me. But not subtle enough!
Currently, there is in at least one East Coast market a radio ad campaign for “Wireless Amber Alerts.” One ad features someone who is obviously supposed to be a police dispatcher making a radio call for an Amber Alert — the abducted child is said to be something like a “six-year-old African American girl.”
The suspect?
A “Caucasian male, 30-35 years old, blue shirt, black jeans, 180 pounds…”.
Then I heard the above radio ad again, a few times.
And I thought, wtf?
Why, exactly, was this particular racial combination (African-American victim; Caucasian suspect/offender) chosen to be the example for the Wireless Amber Alert ad? How often, based on actual statistical evidence, is that particular racial combination of the suspect/offender and victim present? Continue Reading »
It is quite clear to me that there are certain individuals who have achieved a level of financial success, fame or recognition that cannot be explained by their actual level of intelligence, talent, diligence or any general merit — not even luck can explain it. By Occam’s Razor, then, there is only one remaining explanation.
They have formed a Pact with Satan.
Now, I’m not going after the easy targets. But there are a few about whom I have formed personal conclusions, which I occasionally feel the need to share. Continue Reading »
Substantially lowering the bar for the degree of care zoos owe their visitors, most recent news reports about the three guys who were attacked and/or eaten by a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo seem to focus on whether the three guys were taunting the tiger.
Can someone explain to me exactly how this is relevant to anything?
I mean, if the Zoo is trying to defend itself against accusations of negligence by saying “heck, they would have been perfectly safe if they hadn’t pissed off the tiger,” isn’t that kind of overwhelmed by the fact that these guys were attacked and/or eaten by the freaking tiger?
I feel that this relatively important point is being lost in the chattering inquiry about whether the guys had smoked marijuana, were drunk, or had stood on the railing outside the tiger pit making faces and yelling at it.
If I had known that the various moats, pits, chains, fences and cages in zoos were just for show and the psychological comfort of human visitors — you know, maybe gentle suggestions to the animals that they might want to consider avoiding mauling the human visitors, rather than, say, things that actually prevented them from mauling the human visitors– I can tell you that my zoo-visiting procedures would have been substantially different.
“Looking ahead to his own run eight years later, Gore was determined to establish himself as a full partner to Clinton, negotiating a written contract before taking office that gave him a weekly lunch with the president, on which he insisted, plus authority on a wide range of issues–national security and foreign policy, as well as communications and the environment–in which he had shown expertise.” (emphasis added)
He negotiated a written lunch contract? Wow. That’s either brilliant or completely insane. You’d think if he were the amazing raconteur in person that his partisans claim he is, he wouldn’t need to legally bind someone to share a meal with him.
So now I’m aware of at least one business that is installing the equivalent of “SpeedPasses,” as made by this company, at their cafeteria cashiers. It’s as if it’s been so much effort to get food in this country that we just had to do something to eliminate any conceivable inconvenience: “My god! These people are starving! You can’t expect them to find cash and get change, or wait to sign a credit slip, before they get their food. That would be cruel! They’re practically wasting away!”
So now you can practically run by the cashier (or, given our obesity rates, move at a nice fast waddle) on your way to jam down your hamburger. Helpful this is?