Archive for the 'Uncategorized' Category

May 02 2011

President Obama States Bin Laden Death “Not Bush’s Fault”; Takes Full Responsibility

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In a surprising policy shift for the Obama administration, the President refused to place blame on the prior president and stated that, in this isolated instance, former President Bush had “nothing to do with” a significant development in the War on Terror – the death of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

“I have reviewed the full chain of events, actions taken, and decisions made leading up to Mr. bin Laden’s sudden, violent end, and have determined that I alone bear full responsibility for this outcome. It is a rare situation in which my predecessor’s decisions had absolutely no effect on this result; the fact that this happens to be an unequivocally positive achievement has nothing to do with my willingness to step up and say “yes, everyone. It was me. All me. ‘Totally Barack,’ as it were. You’re welcome, America.”

Reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, former President George W. Bush, informed of bin Laden’s death, paused, smiled slightly, and said “Glad we won’t be hearing any more chittering out of that squirrel,” then returned to clearing brush.

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May 12 2010

Not Funny: The Obesity of Evil

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Okay, for a wonderful demonstration that evil’s face can be pretty pudgy, take a look at this short video from an academic conference at UC San Diego. A student whose appearance is otherwise unremarkable (except for the fact that she’s a walking “Glamour Don’t”) lets her mask slip, just for a second, to expose something really ugly that is clearly seething just beneath the surface. Watch the whole thing.

H/T NewsRealBlog.

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Feb 10 2010

Valentine’s Day: Of Men and Monkeys

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I’m a romantic guy, so I torture monkeys.

Now, stay with me here! It all connects up.

See, there’s an oft-repeated story about an experiment in the creation of cultural taboos and traditions involving putting a bunch of monkeys in a room together with a ladder and a banana hanging from the ceiling at the top of the ladder.

Whenever a monkey tries to climb the ladder to get the banana, all the monkeys are sprayed with blasts of cold water. The monkeys quickly learn to Avoid The Banana, and none of the original group tries to venture up the ladder after the group has been sprayed a few times.

So far this is your standard-issue animal torture. But this experiment gets interesting when you start replacing the original monkeys with new monkeys. When the first new monkey makes a move toward The Forbidden Banana, all the original monkeys with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Spraying Disorder) immediately kick the crap out of him. And if you’ve never had to fend off an attacking monkey, let me tell you, even just one monkey can administer a serious whuppin’.

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Jun 20 2009

Quick! Somebody Give Me Swine Flu!

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I am desperately searching for someone who can infect me with the swine flu. That might seem counterintuitive; after all, there are all sorts of hysterical predictions about the danger of the swine flu pandemic, and people have indeed died from it.

But what the authorities aren’t really advertising is that if this swine flu pandemic follows the same pattern as the deadly 1918 one, then you might be far better off getting it in the first wave than in the second.

See, in 1918 the first wave of swine flu was pretty mild — it was, of course, the flu, and therefore not too pleasant to have (although fun to wish upon your enemies), and some people with weakened immune systems did die from it.

But the second wave was freakin’ lethal. But you know why they knew this lethal flu was the “second wave” of the earlier flu? Because the people who had gotten the flu in the first wave were immune to the lethal form of it in the second wave.

“But MS,” you might say, “what about all these guidelines the authorities are putting out about avoiding exposure to the flu, and keeping sick people quarantined for seven days from the onset and disappearance of flu symptoms? Aren’t they looking out for us?”

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Jan 31 2009

The Next War: Stable Finances

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Hey!  I have a suggestion.

Since we supposedly invaded Iraq to get control of their oil, why can’t we invade another country to confiscate their good credit? 

I nominate Switzerland.

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Nov 19 2008

News Flash: Al Qaeda Really Mean!

Now they’ve done it!

In a new video, purportedly of Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda used racially charged language to attack President-elect Obama — they called him a “house slave” (or a “house Negro“, depending on your translation).

Plus, they called him a bad Muslim.

This is going to have a seismic effect among the American Left.  It’s one thing to murder thousands of innocent Americans in their offices, or blow up American troops, or terrorize Iraqi civilians, or release videos of savage beheadings of relief workers and truck drivers, or urge Muslims worldwide to attack the United States and its interests.

But to use openly racist language?  Against the Democratic President-elect?

Now that’s just going too far!!!

It’s as if no one really got that these guys were bad news until they started couching their attacks in the syntax that domestic pressure groups want to be attacked in (i.e. “all our critics are racists!”).  Then, suddenly it’s “now, just a darn minute there, Mohammed – you’re okay when you’re claiming to be oppressed by the Great Satan, but you just watch it with the forbidden words!”

I hereby predict that within hours there will be more visibility given to, and discussion of, this particular Al Qaeda video in the American media than any other one that’s been released in years.  I expect a major part of this will stem from disappointment that the election of Obama did not suddenly make the world love us.

You’d think they’d find a silver lining in this, though — even the United States’ worst enemy admits he’s not a Muslim.

Well, perhaps Al Qaeda left this one a bit ambiguous — they’ve left room for the possibility that Obama used to be a Muslim but has now left the faith.  This creates a bit of an issue, because the four major Sunni and the one major Shia Madh’hab agree that a sane adult male apostate must be executed.

Or, they’ll argue that this is a sign of Al Qaeda’s desperation — since the rest of the world must now love us, given the election results, Al Qaeda’s only doing this to “stay relevant.”

Either way, the American media’s now going to give Al Qaeda a damn good verbal thrashing.

That’ll show them!  They’ll slink away in fear of our righteous disapproval!

Personally, I think a few more Hellfire missiles would help.

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May 11 2008

The Chinese Are Gambling? We’re Doomed!

I’ve been relatively confident in the likelihood of the United States maintaining its hegemony in the world, not because of the superiority of our military capabilities, but because of the innate corrosiveness of our culture.

You see, America’s international predominance is not based on nukes or aircraft carrier battle groups, both of which are inherently cool and good for impressing the yokels, but rather on these (click here).

Okay, sorry about that, readers who are at work.

Anyway, our secret weapon — so secret that we can spray it out across the world with satellites and yet still not view it as the weaponization of space that it really is — is our mind-numbing, consumerist, degenerate worldview! And I say that as a compliment.

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Mar 06 2008

Don’t Go To Humor-Blogs.com

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Okay, I didn’t mean that. There are actually quite a few damn funny people hooked into that site; humor-blogs.com is like the hub of a multi-spoked, demented, seriously off-balance Wheel of Funny.

Plus it’s a convenient stepping-stone for identifying my competition; now that I know who they are, I expect to ruin their credit ratings by stealing their identities and buying millions of Chia Pets in their names.

Mmm…Chia Pets…so tasty…

But I digress. Check out humor-blogs.com.

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