Mind Scalpel

As part of my Secret Plan for Global Domination, I have of course been developing an army of nigh-invulnerable, genetically-engineered super-soldiers, which, as Steven Covey would say if he were a would-be Global Despot rather than a self-help guru, is a “Quadrant II” activity for evil geniuses. (Incidentally, when I execute Phase I of my Rapid International Takeover, self-help gurus will be in the first group against the wall; self-actualization will be irrelevant when everyone’s highest values will be whatever I dictate. But, I digress.)

Anyway, one typical downfall of standard evil geniuses who develop super-soldier armies is that their super-soldiers tend to rebel, often at the most inconvenient times. I’m not a standard evil genius; I’m an exceptional one. So a primary focus of my research and development activities has been not just on enhancing my minions’ physical abilities (strength, power, speed, reflexes, resistance to pathogens, ability to endure long car trips without bathroom breaks, etc.) and mental powers (situational awareness, rapid learning so they can be speedily grown in vats and quickly infused with appropriate skills, high aversion to daytime television, and so on), but also on ensuring that they will remain fanatically loyal to me.

So naturally I’ve been sticking electrodes in subjects’ brains and figuring out what can be done with them since, oh, heck, it’s been so long I can’t even remember. Perhaps you are now starting to understand a few of the reasons this blog is named “Mind Scalpel.”

That’s why I enjoy seeing news stories like this one, describing some “new” discoveries that I had developed and surpassed, in secret, years ago. See, some doctors are all excited that when they were poking around in the brain of a 50-year-old obese guy in search of the “don’t eat so much, knucklehead” synaptic center of his brain, they discovered that their patient recalled, in great detail, a scene from 30 years before:
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Most people don’t know how annual flu vaccines work — or, frequently, don’t work — or, for that matter, why we need to get flu shots every year, when most other vaccines last for multiple years or decades. I’ve found out who to blame.

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