Mind Scalpel

I’ve been relatively confident in the likelihood of the United States maintaining its hegemony in the world, not because of the superiority of our military capabilities, but because of the innate corrosiveness of our culture.

You see, America’s international predominance is not based on nukes or aircraft carrier battle groups, both of which are inherently cool and good for impressing the yokels, but rather on these (click here).

Okay, sorry about that, readers who are at work.

Anyway, our secret weapon — so secret that we can spray it out across the world with satellites and yet still not view it as the weaponization of space that it really is — is our mind-numbing, consumerist, degenerate worldview! And I say that as a compliment.

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Okay, this should be causing a leettle more controversy than it’s stirred up - according to a reputable scholar of the Koran (who has to publish his scholarship anonymously because he’s reluctant to be stabbed, shot, or blown to bits), it’s possible that the Koran promises martyrs not 72 virgins, but rather 72 grapes - white raisins, to be precise.

This would, I expect, be somewhat of a letdown. Consider:

*KABOOM* “Hello? I am here!”

“Gee, welcome. Here’s your fresh fruit plate.”

“Um, thanks. Say, where are my girls?”

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