Archive for the 'Relationships' Category

Dec 03 2009

Hey! They didn’t ask me…

So apparently some researchers wanted to study the effects that pornography has on the male psyche. Naturally, in order to do so, they wanted to compare their study group of naughty-video-watchers with a “control group” of pure, never-saw-the-stuff young males.

The problem? The researchers discovered that their control group was what statisticians call a “null set.” They couldn’t find any young men who had never viewed porn.

Now, I can’t claim any particular moral purity; I am, after all, bent on achieving Complete Global Domination. But a high-speed connection to my Bunker of Doom was way too expensive.


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Mar 12 2008

Client 9: The Web Site

Okay, no schadenfreude on Mind Scalpel! I have an entirely different blog devoted to that.

Well, maybe a little schadenfreude. Fine, it’s a schadenfreude fest! I bathe in schadenfreude.

But the main thing I wanted to do is give a nod in the direction of Nick Galbreath, a New York resident whose domain-registration reflexes are as sharp as those 13-year-olds who, jacked up on Jolt and Red Bull, play Halo 2, Team Fortress 2 and other fine first-person shooter computer games with eye-blurring speed.

See, apparently within minutes of the Eliot Spitzer Emperor-Has-No-Clothes Club VIP scandal breaking on March 10, Mr. Galbreath registered the domain name. No word yet on what Mr. Galbreath intends to do with the domain, but he does have a blog at with a cryptic FAQ about it. Come on, Nick, make some bucks!

Now that I am on this subject, I have to say that I am just aching for one of these spouses who is forced to do the “clutch walk” (degrading parade to confessional podium clutching hand of philandering spouse) to interrupt her husband’s speech, right after he says “Good Morning,” by shoving him out of the way, grabbing the mic, and saying “That’s enough out of you, Eliot, you pathetic bastard. My god, I can’t believe I actually married someone named “Eliot.” Or “Spitzer,” for that matter. Okay, reporters, here’s a short list of my husband’s inadequacies… [ten minute laundry list, with reference to new web site with more details, maybe titled “www.daddys-five-hundred-million- dollar-fortune-isnt-enough-to-compensate-for-being-married-to-”], and I’ve drained a few million dollars from our bank account to pay for the ten nastiest lawyers in the country to break our prenup.”

That must happen someday soon to terminate this whole drag-your-shellshocked-wife-to-the-podium-as-cover phenomenon. It’s disgusting. Make the walk alone, dude; take it like a man.

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Feb 22 2008

Clones: The Other White Meat

So, what’s all this fuss about the South Korean company that’s offering to clone your pets? Okay, granted, there is one small issue, mainly that the people who are rich enough to have this done tend to have offensively annoying pets, and therefore we could be polluting the world with more of these (click at your own risk). Still, one could engage in countermeasures by cloning big, fierce, poodle-eating hell mastiffs, so it could end up being a self-compensating system.
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Feb 18 2008

Amidst The Post-Valentine’s Day Rubble, I Issue A Call To All Men

Published by under Relationships,Science

I’m a romantic guy, so I torture monkeys.

Now, stay with me here! It all connects up.

See, there’s an oft-repeated story about an experiment in the creation of cultural taboos and traditions involving putting a bunch of monkeys in a room together with a ladder and a banana hanging from the ceiling at the top of the ladder.

Whenever a monkey tries to climb the ladder to get the banana, all the monkeys are sprayed with blasts of cold water. The monkeys quickly learn to Avoid The Banana, and none of the original group tries to venture up the ladder after the group has been sprayed a few times.

So far this is your standard-issue animal torture. But this experiment gets interesting when you start replacing the original monkeys with new monkeys. When the first new monkey makes a move toward The Forbidden Banana, all the original monkeys with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Spraying Disorder) immediately kick the crap out of him. And if you’ve never had to fend off an attacking monkey, let me tell you, even just one monkey can administer a serious whuppin’.

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Feb 13 2008

The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift – Guaranteed To Resonate with Your Love

Because relentless Valentine’s Day advertising by DeBeers (subtle hidden message to him: “if you buy her a diamond, she’ll sleep with you!”; subtle hidden message to her: “if he doesn’t buy you a diamond, you shouldn’t sleep with him!”) doesn’t make people insecure enough this time of year, now comes the Wall Street Journal to report that, through advanced brain imaging technology, it is now possible to scientifically confirm the existence of true, unending love.

This immediately eliminates the comfortable illusion clung to by much of the populace that people who claim they still feel like teenagers towards each other are either 1) mentally deranged or 2) lying through their teeth. It’s about as cruel as scientifically proving that billionaires really are ecstatically happy, leading deeply fulfilling lives, and regarding less-wealthy people as substantially inferior to themselves, rather than, say, walking around with fake smiles while they’re screaming inside.
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