Mind Scalpel

Belatedly reacting to an Iraqi journalist’s poorly-aimed footwear assault on President Bush during a news conference today, the New York Times asserted that it “had been working on a Presidential shoe-throwing, but our plummeting subscription rates and reduced revenues had cut our training budgets.”

Internal reports from the New York Times painted a portrait of disarray and ineffective practice sessions.  The first reporters selected for a domestic Presidential shoe-throwing refused to part with their own shoes, with several reportedly exclaiming “Are you SERIOUS?  These are Ferragamos!”  Offered substitute shoes specifically chosen for throwability, these same reporters refused “to be caught dead in those monstrosities.”

The Times resorted to stringers, but practice sessions went poorly.  Reporters willing to work for the Times had eschewed sports and other physical endeavors since grade school, rendering them woefully unprepared for a high-profile shoe-throwing.  “Their throws were embarrassing,” summed up one disgusted trainer.  “They’d give these limp-wristed heaves that looked like they were throwing a bank safe, and the shoe would just plop down two feet in front of them.  It was like watching Mr. Burns from ‘The Simpsons’ trying to throw a medicine ball.”

Eventually some journalists who were reputed to be “buff” — as journalists go — were located, but they turned out to be yoga or T’ai Chi specialists, and so their throws were either unnecessarily contorted or incredibly slow, and in either case ineffective.

The Times almost considered abandoning the Presidential shoe-throwing endeavor, but “our remaining readers were really demanding it, and we were all up for it too, so we just closed another bureau desk and reallocated the resources to a physical fitness program for the planned footwear-heavers.”

But alas, the Iraqi press beat them to it.

“Damn it!” groused an editor.  “All that effort for nothing.  And we would have succeeded, too — it looked like the Secret Service decided to finish their lunch before trying to come after the guy.  He got to throw both his shoes!  And those were big honkin’ sweaty Middle-Eastern shoes, too.  Hey!  That gives me an idea!  I bet Helen Thomas would be up for a repeat attempt!  We should call her….”

Now they’ve done it!

In a new video, purportedly of Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda used racially charged language to attack President-elect Obama — they called him a “house slave” (or a “house Negro“, depending on your translation).

Plus, they called him a bad Muslim.

This is going to have a seismic effect among the American Left.  It’s one thing to murder thousands of innocent Americans in their offices, or blow up American troops, or terrorize Iraqi civilians, or release videos of savage beheadings of relief workers and truck drivers, or urge Muslims worldwide to attack the United States and its interests.

But to use openly racist language?  Against the Democratic President-elect?

Now that’s just going too far!!!

It’s as if no one really got that these guys were bad news until they started couching their attacks in the syntax that domestic pressure groups want to be attacked in (i.e. “all our critics are racists!”).  Then, suddenly it’s “now, just a darn minute there, Mohammed – you’re okay when you’re claiming to be oppressed by the Great Satan, but you just watch it with the forbidden words!”

I hereby predict that within hours there will be more visibility given to, and discussion of, this particular Al Qaeda video in the American media than any other one that’s been released in years.  I expect a major part of this will stem from disappointment that the election of Obama did not suddenly make the world love us.

You’d think they’d find a silver lining in this, though — even the United States’ worst enemy admits he’s not a Muslim.

Well, perhaps Al Qaeda left this one a bit ambiguous — they’ve left room for the possibility that Obama used to be a Muslim but has now left the faith.  This creates a bit of an issue, because the four major Sunni and the one major Shia Madh’hab agree that a sane adult male apostate must be executed.

Or, they’ll argue that this is a sign of Al Qaeda’s desperation — since the rest of the world must now love us, given the election results, Al Qaeda’s only doing this to “stay relevant.”

Either way, the American media’s now going to give Al Qaeda a damn good verbal thrashing.

That’ll show them!  They’ll slink away in fear of our righteous disapproval!

Personally, I think a few more Hellfire missiles would help.

I knew we hadn’t fully plumbed the depths of this evil man’s depravity and hatred of all humankind. In addition to his advocacy of mass murder against innocent civilians, this cave-hiding nutjob, according to Newsweek, was an a cappella aficionado:

According to “Pitch Perfect: The Quest for Collegiate A Cappella Glory,” by author Mickey Rapkin, the teenage bin Laden—who opposed the use of instruments—organized a group with his pals. That discovery “was pretty weird,” says Rapkin. “It just shows that a cappella is everywhere.”

My God. Is there no limit to this fiend’s degeneracy? The sooner we MOAB this squirrel, the better.

As an aside, it makes a lunatic kind of sense — I believe certain fundamentalist Muslims oppose the use of musical instruments, so what’s left is a cappella (which is Latin for “without cappella”). No wonder they’re all flagellating themselves! How are they supposed to rock without guitars? Sheesh. Of course, we could always use loudly-played bad a cappella as a stress tactic at Guantanamo. But then the ACLU would be all over us like ugly on a moose.

Now, before all you a cappella fans start coming at me with your feeble little girl-slaps, be aware that I happen to be a fan as well. As those select few who know me know. Shout out to CASA! And check out Pandaemonium, the winner of this year’s Contemporary A Cappella Recording Awards. Bin Laden never got a CARA award, I’ll tell you that!

Come to think of it, that could be what pushed him over the edge….

Update: You can now buy the book that was the original source of Newsweek’s revelation through Mindscalpel.com — choose Amazon or Barnes & Noble, below…

Amazon	Barnes & Noble

I’ve been relatively confident in the likelihood of the United States maintaining its hegemony in the world, not because of the superiority of our military capabilities, but because of the innate corrosiveness of our culture.

You see, America’s international predominance is not based on nukes or aircraft carrier battle groups, both of which are inherently cool and good for impressing the yokels, but rather on these (click here).

Okay, sorry about that, readers who are at work.

Anyway, our secret weapon — so secret that we can spray it out across the world with satellites and yet still not view it as the weaponization of space that it really is — is our mind-numbing, consumerist, degenerate worldview! And I say that as a compliment.

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Okay, this should be causing a leettle more controversy than it’s stirred up – according to a reputable scholar of the Koran (who has to publish his scholarship anonymously because he’s reluctant to be stabbed, shot, or blown to bits), it’s possible that the Koran promises martyrs not 72 virgins, but rather 72 grapes – white raisins, to be precise.

This would, I expect, be somewhat of a letdown. Consider:

*KABOOM* “Hello? I am here!”

“Gee, welcome. Here’s your fresh fruit plate.”

“Um, thanks. Say, where are my girls?”

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