Jun 20 2009

Quick! Somebody Give Me Swine Flu!

Published by at 7:59 pm under Uncategorized

I am desperately searching for someone who can infect me with the swine flu. That might seem counterintuitive; after all, there are all sorts of hysterical predictions about the danger of the swine flu pandemic, and people have indeed died from it.

But what the authorities aren’t really advertising is that if this swine flu pandemic follows the same pattern as the deadly 1918 one, then you might be far better off getting it in the first wave than in the second.

See, in 1918 the first wave of swine flu was pretty mild — it was, of course, the flu, and therefore not too pleasant to have (although fun to wish upon your enemies), and some people with weakened immune systems did die from it.

But the second wave was freakin’ lethal. But you know why they knew this lethal flu was the “second wave” of the earlier flu? Because the people who had gotten the flu in the first wave were immune to the lethal form of it in the second wave.

“But MS,” you might say, “what about all these guidelines the authorities are putting out about avoiding exposure to the flu, and keeping sick people quarantined for seven days from the onset and disappearance of flu symptoms? Aren’t they looking out for us?”

Not exactly. Here’s an analogy: In these difficult economic times, the most rational thing for the individual to do is to save, avoid excessive spending, build up their emergency funds, put off big purchases (like cars), etc.

But that’s exactly what the government doesn’t want you to do, because (in the government’s opinion) collectively we’d all be better off if we got the economy revved up again by spend, spend, spending.

Put another way, this is the government’s form of “people are nice; it’s the individuals who suck.”

So collectively, everyone might be better off if the swine flu moved more slowly through the population, to put off the day that it mutates into a much more lethal form.

But the thing is, it’s out there already. It’s no longer containable. Have governments been able to stop the spread of the “regular” flu? Nope — we get hit with new flus every year. It’s going to be the same thing with swine flu.

So until and unless an effective and perfect vaccine is developed, I’m looking for a swine flu donor.

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