Archive for May, 2008

May 30 2008

CNN’s News Innovation: Stupid Headline T-Shirts

Having never been a fan of CNN’s headline-writing nonability, it’s truly amazing to me that someone thought that people would like any headline on CNN.com enough to put it on a freakin’ t-shirt. If you go to the CNN.com home page, several story headlines have a tiny little t-shirt graphic next to them — clicking on the graphic takes you to a page that “lets” you buy a t-shirt with that headline on it.

That’s right — you can now pay to put a CNN headline on a t-shirt. A mere $19.99! Such a bargain! Plus, the t-shirt contains ever-so-subtle CNN advertising — following the headline, there’s a tagline that says “I just saw it on CNN.com [time/date stamp]”. Check out this example, with the earth-shattering headline of “Man bikes 42 miles to work each day.” Now there’s something I want to have plastered on my chest while I’m walking around!

Paying for logo-ized apparel has always struck me as absurd (“Hey, Harry, think people would be stupid enough to pay us for the privilege of advertising for us?” “Sure! They watch Survivor, don’t they?”), but this truly qualifies as a significant “get a life” moment, combined with an extra smattering of WTF?-ness.

And the really worrisome thing is that, considering the amount of programming and the marketing/editorial review work that must have gone into it, CNN has got to have focus-grouped this enough to believe that this will actually generate some revenue.

By the way, on a completely unrelated note, stay tuned for the Mindscalpel.com apparel shop, coming soon!

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May 27 2008

Mars Lander Touches Down, Immediately Takes Picture of Foot

Published by under Science,Technology

Well, it’s comforting to know that we can send a spacecraft across the cold vastness of radiation-filled space, program it to land autonomously on a nigh-airless planet, and have it immediately replicate all the technological acuity of a clueless father vacationing at Disneyworld by taking a picture of its foot:

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May 20 2008

Osama bin Laden: A Cappella Geek

I knew we hadn’t fully plumbed the depths of this evil man’s depravity and hatred of all humankind. In addition to his advocacy of mass murder against innocent civilians, this cave-hiding nutjob, according to Newsweek, was an a cappella aficionado:

According to “Pitch Perfect: The Quest for Collegiate A Cappella Glory,” by author Mickey Rapkin, the teenage bin Laden—who opposed the use of instruments—organized a group with his pals. That discovery “was pretty weird,” says Rapkin. “It just shows that a cappella is everywhere.”

My God. Is there no limit to this fiend’s degeneracy? The sooner we MOAB this squirrel, the better.

As an aside, it makes a lunatic kind of sense — I believe certain fundamentalist Muslims oppose the use of musical instruments, so what’s left is a cappella (which is Latin for “without cappella”). No wonder they’re all flagellating themselves! How are they supposed to rock without guitars? Sheesh. Of course, we could always use loudly-played bad a cappella as a stress tactic at Guantanamo. But then the ACLU would be all over us like ugly on a moose.

Now, before all you a cappella fans start coming at me with your feeble little girl-slaps, be aware that I happen to be a fan as well. As those select few who know me know. Shout out to CASA! And check out Pandaemonium, the winner of this year’s Contemporary A Cappella Recording Awards. Bin Laden never got a CARA award, I’ll tell you that!

Come to think of it, that could be what pushed him over the edge….

Update: You can now buy the book that was the original source of Newsweek’s revelation through Mindscalpel.com — choose Amazon or Barnes & Noble, below…


Amazon Barnes & Noble

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May 12 2008

Pact With Satan II

Okay, slight modification of the Pact With Satan criteria — here there’s no question of the guy’s talent, but the “eternal youth” side of his Faustian bargain is just so blatant it’s a wonder no one else has called him out about it.

I’m talking about Ted Sorenson, of course. Guy was Jack Kennedy’s speechwriter. Here’s a picture of him back in those days (click on this text).

Now check him out now, with Candidate Obama.

AAaaahhh!!! Serious Dorian Gray action going on here. It’s so clear he’s just bleached his hair a little and changed his glasses. Come on! Does he think the Superman/Clark Kent “disguise” thing works in real life?  The guy is eighty freaking years old! Couple that with Obama’s Svengali-like mastery of cult indoctrination and I’m starting to think diabolical conspiracies.

Okay, maybe I’m just a little jealous. All I’ve been able to achieve so far is a Pact With Stan. Don’t get me wrong, Stan’s a nice neighbor with some cool tools; they’re just not cool enough to sell your soul for….

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May 11 2008

The Chinese Are Gambling? We’re Doomed!

I’ve been relatively confident in the likelihood of the United States maintaining its hegemony in the world, not because of the superiority of our military capabilities, but because of the innate corrosiveness of our culture.

You see, America’s international predominance is not based on nukes or aircraft carrier battle groups, both of which are inherently cool and good for impressing the yokels, but rather on these (click here).

Okay, sorry about that, readers who are at work.

Anyway, our secret weapon — so secret that we can spray it out across the world with satellites and yet still not view it as the weaponization of space that it really is — is our mind-numbing, consumerist, degenerate worldview! And I say that as a compliment.

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