Mind Scalpel

Alright, I’m getting annoyed with Google again — this time it’s their automated telepathic behavior predictor/installer that’s really sticking it to me.

Think I’m kidding? If you’ve got Google’s search bar, try typing in the beginning of a general question; Google will then activate its mind-reading scanner (embedded in all computer monitors manufactured after 1992) and tell you what the rest of your question should be, in order of the popularity of other people’s questions. And, more often than not, the question that Google asks ends up being a heckuva lot more interesting than the one you started with, so you ditch your old question and start investigating the stuff that Google wants you to. A few examples:

Original Question: How Old Is The Universe?

I got as far as “how old is,” and up popped the following “suggestions”:

• How old is McCain? Coincidentally, the answer to this one is the same as the answer to my original question!
• How old is Hugh Hefner? Hey! I just noticed there’s some old guy puttering around the Playboy Mansion among all those Playmates! How long has he been there?
• How old is Dolly? People actually care about a cloned sheep’s birthday?
• How old is Brett Michaels of Poison? Okay, this officially qualifies as a “WTF?”
• How old is Queen Elizabeth? Apparently kids still have to do history research.

Original Question Fragment: “Why does…”

Google’s “suggestions”:

• …it always rain on me? Either people are really depressed, or there’s a really depressing song lyric making the rounds.
• …Easter change? Uh-oh. Religious controversy. I sense another schism approaching.
• …ice float? Answer: Because if it didn’t, polar bears would drown.
• …the sun shine? Clearly the new adult substitute for “go away, kid, you’re bothering me” is “gee, that’s a great question. Why don’t you Google it?”

Question Fragment: “What is…”

Google’s suggested questions:

• …my IP address? Okay, a computer-related question. Makes sense.
• …love? WTF? This ranks BELOW what someone’s IP address is? Good thing we all have our priorities straight!
• …global warming? Answer: It’s the new substitute for the 1980s “global cooling” scare.
• …a blog? See this for a fine example of blogging at its finest. All will become clear.

Question Fragment: “When will…”

Google’s suggested questions:

• 30 different variants of “…I get my tax refund?” except for one instance of …
• “…I be loved?” Answer: Once you’ve got money in your pocket from your tax refund, the love will come easier….

Question Fragment: “Why can’t…”

Google’s suggested questions:

• “…we be friends?” Answer: Because you sit around all day asking Google moronic questions!
• “…I own a Canadian?” Okay, that’s freaking hilarious. THIS is one of the top questions Google is asked? Better watch it, Canada! We’re coming for you!
• “…you tickle yourself?” Actually, you can. But it’s only funny to other people.

Question Fragment: “Who does…”

Google’s suggested questions:

• Fifty variations of “…the voice of Stewie on Family Guy?” plus one instance of…
• “…that song?” People actually type in the question “who does that song?” into Google? Oh, now, come on, everyone. Even Google needs something to work with.

Question Fragment: “Will he…”

Google’s suggested questions:

• “…cheat again?” Answer: Yes.
• “…call me?” Answer: No.
• “…ever leave her?” Answer: No, for the last time, no!

Question Fragment: “How can I…”

• “…take over the world?”
• “…rule with an iron fist?”
• “…dominate the internet?”
• “…create an army of fanatically loyal super-soldiers?”

Whoops! Those last ones weren’t Google’s suggestions — they were from my search history.

Good thing I already know those answers….

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