Mind Scalpel

Oh, lordy. Michelle Malkin reminded me that today is Earth Day.

So with the parade of “environmental” celebrities and presidential candidates justifying their ownership and use of multiple-acre mansions and fuel-guzzling, pollution-belching private jets (including – I kid you not – a private 707 owned by John Travolta) by pointing out that they’re purchasing “carbon offsets,” I did a little investigation of that industry, and then a little thinking, which in my case is a dangerous combination.

Strictly defined, a carbon offset is an act that mitigates carbon emissions in one place by taking action to “sequester” carbon in another place. A simple example is paying someone to plant trees that will absorb the same amount of atmospheric carbon that your use of a car or jet emits, so that your car or jet use’s “net” effect on the atmosphere is zero.

Things start to get interesting when you realize that the logic of offsetting can be extended in all sorts of fun ways – for example, instead of paying someone to go out and actively plant those trees, you can pay someone to promise not to cut down trees that they otherwise would have.

This begins to get both highly entertaining and lucrative; I could, for example, wake up in the morning firmly intending to cut down all my trees. Then, if I participate in the carbon offset market, I could allow someone to pay me not to do so. The next morning, I could wake up again with a new, firm intention to cut down all my trees. A new payment, another change of mind.

This could be repeated forever, provided I hate my trees enough, and if someone keeps paying me, I guarantee you I can generate some serious tree hatred. I’d hate trees so much that I’d buy more, just to fondle a chainsaw and glare at them, muttering to myself, my desire to fire up that puppy and start making sawdust stymied only by the ka-ching sounds of my bank account expanding. Every once in a while I’d lop off a branch, just to prove that I was serious.

And anyone with a basic understanding of economics can see that paying lots of money for tree planting 1) creates a higher demand for tree planting, thus raising the price of offsets out of the reach of the average person; and 2) given that Gulfstream jets spew carbon a helluva lot faster than trees can absorb them, if too many offsets are purchased the whole world will soon be covered with trees except for the airports for wealthy jetsetters excreting smog contrails over the verdant greenery.

I thought the whole point of civilization was to beat back the jungle, not to create more of it.

What surprises me, though, is the air of self-satisfaction exuded by these green-speaking, carbon-spewing politicos and movie stars. Viewed properly, after all, a carbon offset allows you to compensate for your own shortcomings by paying other people to make up for them – but they’re still your own shortcomings, so why would you brag about them? It would be like boasting about buying an indulgence from the Catholic Church for the forgiveness of your venial sins (but note that the purchase of indulgences was, unfortunately, outlawed by Pope Pius V in 1567, which means I have a serious bone to pick with him, because, quite frankly, I could use quite a few of them).

In fact, it occurred to me that there is a definite need for a parallel product these people should be required to buy — hypocrisy offsets. With hypocrisy offsets, people who don’t act consistently with their own beliefs can pay other people to act consistently with theirs. In this way, the net amount of hypocrisy in the world could be stabilized and even, perhaps, reduced – which, in law and economics parlance, is a definite “social good.”

Further work along these lines produced additional ideas for offsets.

For those people sufficiently irritated with the carbon offset crowd, I am making available carbon offset offsets – meaning that you can pay people to go out and do things that will cancel out celebrities’ carbon offsets by, for example, burning tires and buying Hummers.

Want that extra piece of cheesecake, but don’t want to increase the amount of fatness in the world? Buy obesity offsets – pay someone else not to eat their dessert! You can do this informally, in the actual restaurant in which you’re about to indulge, or use one of my upcoming, convenient web site exchanges. This one is a sure money-maker, especially given the recent study showing that if you’re obese then your close friends are more likely to become obese as well (so technically, you should probably buy ten obesity offsets for every one piece of cheesecake you eat…).

A closely related product is that of trans-fat offsets – we all know trans-fats are bad for us, but our DNA craves donuts, so when you indulge in a chocolate glazed, offset it!

Tired of being polite to everyone? Buy rudeness offsets – flip someone off, pay a few bucks, and others will take on the burdens of courtesy by saying “thank you” twice instead of once.

A more expensive product, but one in which I have a vested interest in fostering a market for (as demonstrated here, and here), is road-rage offsets. Their price would be prohibitively high if the market only covered, say, New York City and Boston (since there, giving up one’s right to engage in road rage renders one weak, vulnerable and easily trifled with), but if we can bring in those polite mid-Westerners we can probably get the costs down to a reasonable level.

Can’t control your baser urges? Buy adultery offsets – a sure winner among the actor/politician crowd who want to be proactive about scandal management: “Yes, it’s true I am the most frequent caller listed on the DC Madam’s phone records, but every time I used her services I bought an adultery offset – so someone out there actively avoided cheating on his or her spouse every time I didn’t avoid cheating on mine.” They could then take credit for their recovery efforts without actually doing anything by purchasing rehab offsets.

The possibilities are endless, as are the financial opportunities for forward-thinking people like me. And for those of you who are insulted by my point of view, I assure you, I’ve got you covered – I bought a whole bunch of annoying blog post offsets.

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