Mind Scalpel

And another thing!

Look, people, if you’re on the road and you decide to do something really rude, like cut someone off or shove in front of someone, the worst, the absolute worst, thing you can then do is get an attack of the guilts and decide to be randomly polite.

Why? Because it screws everyone else up, that’s why.

The things people need, when they’re driving, are predictability and consistency. If everyone plays by the same uniform rules, everybody knows what’s going on, and no one dies. I’ve seen this in countries whose driving habits would make “tough” US drivers wet their pants — try driving in Cairo sometime, folks! — because as chaotic as it might seem to an outsider, everyone in reality is driving according to a well-defined set of behavioral norms that allow everyone to know exactly what everyone else is going to do, because it’s what they would do if the situations were reversed. So there’s even a little empathy going on there.

But add an element of randomness to the equation and all raging hell breaks loose.

A simpleminded example: It really makes no difference whether everyone drives on the right side of the road or the left — as long as everyone who’s driving on the same roads agrees to the same side. If a few people sometimes randomly decided to drive down the left side of the road when the rest of society drives down the right side (I know, for some reason an image of Ted Kennedy springs to mind here), then there’s guaranteed to be Trouble.

A subtler example happens when some random yutz decides to be “polite” by going against the rules. Like, you’ll be driving along a straight road behind some random palooka, no other cars behind you, when suddenly he slams on his brakes so that someone waiting on a side street at an intersection can take a left in front of him.

This is, of course, completely insane. You barely avoid rear-ending Mr. Palooka after his shriekingly illogical unexpected sudden stop, the guy waiting on the side street is utterly bewildered by this nonsensical move, Mr. Palooka’s waving the guy ahead of him impatiently, as if to say “Goldarn it, I insist on being illogically polite by doing something that will confuse the bejeesus out of you, so thank me and do something equally illegal!” and then the two of them do that classic dance that gives insurance companies the heebie-jeebies by 1) Mr. Palooka losing patience with Mr. Side Street’s hesitation and hitting the accelerator; and 2) Mr. Side Street finally, and simultaneously, deciding that he’d better do what this random nutcase is violently gesturing for him to do and hitting the accelerator; resulting in 3) both cars jerking forward at the same time; possibly followed by either 4) both cars slamming into each other, or, much more humorously, a loop consisting of 4(a)) both drivers slamming on their brakes at the same time and dropping back into a repeating loop of 1-3 until 4(b)) both cars slam into each other. Meanwhile, you’re either fuming at sitting in the middle of a perfectly good road while watching this violent little automotive ballet play out in front of you or jerking forward asynchronously with Mr. Palooka’s car.

And all this could have been avoided if Mr. Palooka had just followed the rules instead of trying to engage in some misbegotten politeness.

There’s a further iteration of this scenario that’s more infuriating. That’s when Mr. Palooka does something offensive like ramming himself in front of you in a line of traffic when there wasn’t space to do so (resulting in your having to jam on the brakes to avoid him), and then, perhaps out of contrition, decides to be polite by leaving a huge space in front of him so everyone can merge in front of him, resulting in about a bazillion cars lining up in front of you that otherwise wouldn’t be there.

Look, buddy, before you decide to play Random Munificent Bestower of Free Lane Merges for the rest of humanity, here’s what you have to do: get out of your car, and go ask every single driver in the lane behind you if it’s okay if you do that, because you’re delaying every one of them by engaging in your little puerile gratitude ploy.

Can’t do that? Didn’t think so. So here’s an Alternate Plan, meaning “what you should do“:

You defend the space between your front bumper and the rear bumper of the car in front of you to the death. That’s how you make up for being a jerk to the people behind you, by preventing them from being delayed by anyone else on top of you. Wait until the next time you get on the road to change your driving habits to those of an automotive pantywaist.

That way, when everyone sees what a doormat you’re being, they’ll know what actions to take.

Because at least you’ll be predictable and consistent.

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