Mind Scalpel

Sorry about the hiatus, all. I have a few other projects in beta, though none is the labor of love that is mindscalpel.com.

In addition to the coding, I have been focused on traffic. Not the tasty revenue-generating high-volume internet traffic kind of traffic, but rather the paint-drying, teeth-gnashing automobile traffic kind of traffic. And I realized that since an increasing number of us are spending an increasing amount of time sitting in our 0-to-60-in-4.0-seconds sports cars (which, ironically, we never really get to test, since we’re always — that’s right — SITTING IN TRAFFIC), we all need to realize that pretty much every single one of us chooses at least two other people to hate — hate with the hot, hot hate of a thousand burning suns — for the duration of our daily commutes.

You might deny this, but secretly, inside, you know very well how this works. You’ve inched your way onto the highway, obeying all the unwritten but ironclad rules of 1 mph driving that prevent most of us from yanking out our handy tire irons and bashing each other’s windows in, when That Guy comes along and very clearly breaks one of those rules.

Typically the rule he breaks is one that is designed to prevent anyone from acting as if his time is more important than everyone else’s, so everyone adversely affected by his action feels like a chump for having followed the rules only to be put down by Senor Narcissist. He’ll do something like the following:

• Cruise nonchalantly past four lanes of stopped traffic in the breakdown lane for a few miles, then swerve back into the right hand lane just before a cop appears
• Ignore the “alternate merge” rule and decide that getting one car length ahead is worth making an enemy for life
• When there’s a two-lane road and the lane nearest an exit ramp is backed up for miles because there’s congestion at the exit ramp, he’ll cruise past in the other lane for 3 miles and then ram himself into the stopped lane 10 feet before the exit (when EVERYONE KNOWS he knew the exit was coming up)

So what happens if you’re the one he chooses to cut in front of/diss? He becomes YOUR NEMESIS. You fixate on this one guy for the remainder of the time he’s visible. Also, anything about this guy’s vehicle, appearance or driving habits will become further proof of his obnoxious nature:

• Bumper stickers of a political bent you disagree with? Bonus! He’s not just a jerk driving, he’s an intellectual dwarf!
• Expensive car? Rich, arrogant SOB who probably inherited all his money; no wonder he drives like one!
• Shabby car? No wonder this guy isn’t getting anywhere in life — just look at his attitude!
• Bumper stickers of a political bent you AGREE with? Man, this is the kind of guy who gives all the rest of us a bad name.
• Young guy? Learn how to drive, moron!
• Old guy? Get off the road! You can’t drive anymore!
• Opposite gender? Isn’t that just like a [gender slur]!
• Different race? I am furious at this person for every reason in the world except race! I am an equal opportunity hater! My hate is merit-based!

Etc. And dammit, if there’s an opportunity to repay him, you’ll do anything to do it! Things like “accidentally” inching between him and the lane he wanted to get into after taking the exit he jammed himself in front of you to take, following him closely while looking for an opportunity to ruin his day, and generally focusing all your attention on him, to the point where you realize you’ve almost passed by your exit and you have to jam yourself into the line of cars that’s been backed up for miles when you’re only 10 feet from the exit.

And then you have to deal with some guy behind you who’s just randomly decided to be mad at you for some unknown reason.

What the heck is his problem, anyway?

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