Mar 21 2008

New Class Action Lawsuit Opportunity!

Okay, this has been bugging me for aeons, and if someone has the time and patience to search for more archived videos of old Gillette shaving advertisements, I’m sure you’ll be able to retire rich off the money you’ll raise from this sure-fire class action lawsuit. For now, I’m avoiding the whole thing, because to research this post I had to search for terms like “shaving” and “video,” and if you’ve ever done something like that you know you’ll get results that would make you want to stick pins into your brain in the hope of destroying the synapses holding those visual memories.

Anyway, as I spend most of my time keeping up with new internet and weaponry technology development, I have completely lost track of the far-more-rapid development of shaving technology (don’t worry, I’ll avoid all shaving-related puns in this post). I think we’re up to about twelve blades per razor, now (I’ll bet there’s already a razor with Bluetooth and Wi-Fi too).

But my issue dates back to the first time good ol’ Gillette slapped yet another blade onto their perfectly acceptable twin razors, and came out with the infamous Mach3, starting that infinite slide down the multiplying-blade slope, which won’t stop until every whisker on a guy’s face has its very own personal nano-blade responsible only for cutting that one specific whisker off.

Having been exposed to incessant and poor-quality, inane commercials for the twin-bladed razors, I immediately became outraged — outraged, I say — by the new ads for the Mach3. Why?

Because they shamelessly demonstrated that they’d been lying to us all along about the effectiveness of their old razors.

The twin-bladed razors always had this cheesy computer-generated animation of two blades gliding along a patch of skin that is smooth except for this one monstrous whisker sticking out like a redwood in the desert. The first blade whacks off the top two-thirds of the whisker, and immediately the second blade whisks along and lops off every last vestige of that mutated follicle, leaving the skin absolutely smooth. The announcer, in portentous tones, advises us that “the first blade stretches the whisker out; the second one cuts off the rest before it can snap back.” Observe (ignore the immensely annoying jingles and tuneless yelling masquerading as singing surrounding the computer animation segment):

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Pretty darned persuasive! “Hey, honey, look at this! They’ve developed the perfect razor! No need for more R&D, I guess.”

Not so fast! In a bid to jack up their profit margins further, they decided to slap on another blade. But wait! The first one already did a perfectly good job! How would they persuade people they need more?

When the ads came out, they answered my question.

Suddenly, the second blade left a huge chunk of mutant whisker, which only the heroic third blade could take care of! Observe (ignore irritating jet-fighter drek surrounding computer animation):

You need to a flashplayer enabled browser to view this YouTube video

So millions of men were watching their first Mach3 commercial, and we were all thinking “Hey! What the Hell is this? What happened to the freakin’ second blade???” And this inferior second blade was on a fancy, incredibly expensive razor that was supposedly better than the disposable with the Japanese-katana-sharp second blade! Who did they think we were, mindless stooges who would, guppy-like, forget something we saw a few minutes before and fork out more cash to a company that had clearly been screwing us all along?

Then they added film of women cooing and caressing rugged but completely hairless mens’ faces, and our primal urge to reproduce took over and we ran off to buy our new triple-bladed chick magnets.

But I never completely forgot that betrayal, and it’s time we sock it to them. Friends, either they were lying to us about that damned second blade all along, or (more sinister) the second blade really did work that well on the old razors, but when they came out with the Mach3 they deliberately de-optimized the second blade on all their razors so that it no longer worked as well, forcing people to “upgrade” to the Mach3.

So which is it, boyos? I don’t care, quite frankly — I just want someone to throw a few thousand pounds of lawyer at them and see how they explain it in court.

I guarantee, you’ll really have them on edge. Whoops, sorry, that was a cutting remark.

Dang! Broke my promise about the shaving puns.

But only by a whisker.

Okay, I’ll stop now.

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