Mind Scalpel

So, what’s all this fuss about the South Korean company that’s offering to clone your pets? Okay, granted, there is one small issue, mainly that the people who are rich enough to have this done tend to have offensively annoying pets, and therefore we could be polluting the world with more of these (click at your own risk). Still, one could engage in countermeasures by cloning big, fierce, poodle-eating hell mastiffs, so it could end up being a self-compensating system.

Nevertheless, I think people are really missing the potential of this technology. Haven’t you ever been at a restaurant, and had a really good steak, and realized that it’s going to be a long time before you’ll be able to have a steak that’s just as good? Problem solved! Grab a piece and clone it! You can even make it better by feeding the resulting cow perfect, cloned grain while you’re fattening it up. And hey, even the FDA concedes that cloned meat is perfectly safe for consumption.

But most foodies would argue that presentation and preparation are just as, if not more, important than the actual base material that’s used in a recipe. I’ve got that angle covered, too — ask the waiter to introduce you to the cook. When he comes out, leap up to shake his hand, and “accidentally” scratch him with your specially-designed DNA collection ring (available soon on mindscalpel.com). Then, clone the chef! Heck, if the service is good, clone the waiter, too. You already know that their genetic makeup will produce quality chefs and waiters, so why take a chance?

Still, you might want to have a wider selection of potential servants to select from. This is why I have, with my usual foresight, negotiated for exclusive arrangements with enterprising police departments — like this one — that are collecting DNA samples from drivers in random traffic stops (you go, Daytona Beach PD! When I’m Global Despot, you’ll have guaranteed jobs in my internal security forces!).

Clearly they’ve dispensed with those pesky civil and privacy rights that used to make the government’s well-intentioned programs so difficult to execute, so why stop at simply testing the DNA to check if it matches with that of a criminal? At least make some money from it.

Snap a photo of the guy, put the photos up on a web site, and let the orders roll in. Need a guy to move your furniture? Clone the big, burly guy driving the pickup. And forget all these online dating sites — find a good-looking guy driving a nice car, prepare the Quik-Gro Vat (TM), and grow your ideal mate from scratch.

Bonus: He’s guaranteed not to have any emotional baggage! Heck, he won’t even have a past.

Any woman will tell you that that would be priceless.

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