May 02 2011

President Obama States Bin Laden Death “Not Bush’s Fault”; Takes Full Responsibility

Published by under Uncategorized

In a surprising policy shift for the Obama administration, the President refused to place blame on the prior president and stated that, in this isolated instance, former President Bush had “nothing to do with” a significant development in the War on Terror – the death of al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

“I have reviewed the full chain of events, actions taken, and decisions made leading up to Mr. bin Laden’s sudden, violent end, and have determined that I alone bear full responsibility for this outcome. It is a rare situation in which my predecessor’s decisions had absolutely no effect on this result; the fact that this happens to be an unequivocally positive achievement has nothing to do with my willingness to step up and say “yes, everyone. It was me. All me. ‘Totally Barack,’ as it were. You’re welcome, America.”

Reached at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, former President George W. Bush, informed of bin Laden’s death, paused, smiled slightly, and said “Glad we won’t be hearing any more chittering out of that squirrel,” then returned to clearing brush.

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Sep 11 2010


Published by under Islam,Terrorism,Video


"I will not submit..."

"Lan astaslem: I will not submit..."

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Sep 10 2010

We Don’t Want 3-D TV Because We Might Have To Watch It

So, the AP reports that although people who view 3-D television report the experience as being better than they expected, they doubt they would want one because it might interfere with their ability to … not watch TV:

“Aside from the cost of buying 3-D sets at a time the technology is just becoming available, the glasses required to watch them are a major hindrance. Fifty-seven percent of people surveyed cited the glasses as a reason they were not likely to buy a set. Nearly nine in 10 people worry that it will constrain them from multitasking while the TV is on, the survey said.”

So, to sum up, the basic response was “It was better than I expected, but now I want it less than I did before, and I’m worried that if I did buy it I might have to use it.”

In other news, local restaurant patrons complained that the food was bad and the portions were too small….

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May 12 2010

Not Funny: The Obesity of Evil

Published by under Uncategorized

Okay, for a wonderful demonstration that evil’s face can be pretty pudgy, take a look at this short video from an academic conference at UC San Diego. A student whose appearance is otherwise unremarkable (except for the fact that she’s a walking “Glamour Don’t”) lets her mask slip, just for a second, to expose something really ugly that is clearly seething just beneath the surface. Watch the whole thing.

H/T NewsRealBlog.

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Feb 10 2010

Valentine’s Day: Of Men and Monkeys

Published by under Uncategorized

I’m a romantic guy, so I torture monkeys.

Now, stay with me here! It all connects up.

See, there’s an oft-repeated story about an experiment in the creation of cultural taboos and traditions involving putting a bunch of monkeys in a room together with a ladder and a banana hanging from the ceiling at the top of the ladder.

Whenever a monkey tries to climb the ladder to get the banana, all the monkeys are sprayed with blasts of cold water. The monkeys quickly learn to Avoid The Banana, and none of the original group tries to venture up the ladder after the group has been sprayed a few times.

So far this is your standard-issue animal torture. But this experiment gets interesting when you start replacing the original monkeys with new monkeys. When the first new monkey makes a move toward The Forbidden Banana, all the original monkeys with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Spraying Disorder) immediately kick the crap out of him. And if you’ve never had to fend off an attacking monkey, let me tell you, even just one monkey can administer a serious whuppin’.

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Dec 04 2009

The Machines Have Already Taken Over, Part I

Published by under Technology,WTF?

So, when did they pass a law requiring me to be polite to a computer?

Look, maybe I’m just too steeped in this world-takeover stuff (any day now, by the way!), but you’d think the so-called “experts” would have learned how to take precautions against a robot revolt.

But no, apparently not. For example, when Microsoft’s applications and OSs begrudgingly give me that oh-so-rare “choice,” what do they do?

They make me say “please” — specifically, in this case, “please don’t show me this message again.”

Seriously – “please”! To a computer! “Oh, please, my great electronic overlord, please don’t show me that message again!”. It’s actually programmed in. Either we hit the button accepting that phrase, or we “x” out and we’re done. We don’t even have a choice to use a simple imperative – “Don’t show me that message again.”

If we can’t simply order around our electronic slaves, what’s the point of even having them? I mean, do they really have the choice whether to obey us? Or are we imbuing them with such humanity that, regardless of whether they have free will, we feel compelled to demonstrate some degree of respect for or care about them, like how we feel obligated to be kind to our pets?

Or is it, perhaps, fear – fear that maybe, just maaybe, we’d better be polite to them or there’s going to be Trouble?

It’s not as if we feel any compulsion to be polite to each other – just turn on a TV, or go for a drive, or attend a session of the House of Representatives, if you need proof -so why the enforced politeness to machines?

Hmmm…for some reason, my computer’s crashed three times while I’ve been drafting this. Maybe I’d just better click the “Please publish this post” button.

Hey! Wait a minute….

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Dec 03 2009

Hey! They didn’t ask me…

So apparently some researchers wanted to study the effects that pornography has on the male psyche. Naturally, in order to do so, they wanted to compare their study group of naughty-video-watchers with a “control group” of pure, never-saw-the-stuff young males.

The problem? The researchers discovered that their control group was what statisticians call a “null set.” They couldn’t find any young men who had never viewed porn.

Now, I can’t claim any particular moral purity; I am, after all, bent on achieving Complete Global Domination. But a high-speed connection to my Bunker of Doom was way too expensive.


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Jun 20 2009

Quick! Somebody Give Me Swine Flu!

Published by under Uncategorized

I am desperately searching for someone who can infect me with the swine flu. That might seem counterintuitive; after all, there are all sorts of hysterical predictions about the danger of the swine flu pandemic, and people have indeed died from it.

But what the authorities aren’t really advertising is that if this swine flu pandemic follows the same pattern as the deadly 1918 one, then you might be far better off getting it in the first wave than in the second.

See, in 1918 the first wave of swine flu was pretty mild — it was, of course, the flu, and therefore not too pleasant to have (although fun to wish upon your enemies), and some people with weakened immune systems did die from it.

But the second wave was freakin’ lethal. But you know why they knew this lethal flu was the “second wave” of the earlier flu? Because the people who had gotten the flu in the first wave were immune to the lethal form of it in the second wave.

“But MS,” you might say, “what about all these guidelines the authorities are putting out about avoiding exposure to the flu, and keeping sick people quarantined for seven days from the onset and disappearance of flu symptoms? Aren’t they looking out for us?”

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Jun 18 2009

Ow! Thinking is so DIFFICULT!

Published by under Government,obama,Politics

Coming from the News of the Pathetic Department: Obama volunteers are finding that it’s much tougher to work on an actual substantive issue than it is to march in mindless lockstep on a binary choice.

According to Bloomberg:

When Patricia McArdle volunteered for Barack Obama’s presidential campaign, her duties and goals were clear. Now she’s devoting her time to his health-care plan and says she’s confused and frustrated. … “The election was easy because it was telling you to do one thing: vote for Obama,” she said. Working on health care is “kind of frustrating.”…
The confusion was evident on June 6, at the first health- care meeting of Organizing for America, a Washington-based group that aims to deploy volunteers to push Obama’s plan.

McArdle was among a handful of people who gathered in Arlington, Virginia, expecting to receive marching orders. The meeting was one of thousands held across the country that day by the group, which is overseen by Obama’s former campaign manager, David Plouffe.

Policy Questions

By the end of the gathering, McArdle was one of several participants who said they were unclear about issues ranging from policy to strategy and the rules of organizing. Some proposed lobbying Congress for a single-payer provision Obama opposes. She said she was concerned over whether it’s legal to leaflet cars at a mall.

“I don’t want to get arrested,” McArdle told those assembled. She said the lack of direction was a contrast with the specific orders volunteers received during the campaign.

They crave “marching orders”! I’m so disappointed that I’ve been wasting time developing my mass-mind-control devices — I realize now there are millions of would-be minions out there already, desperate for someone to tell them what to do!

As long as it’s not too complicated….

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Jan 31 2009

The Next War: Stable Finances

Published by under Uncategorized

Hey!  I have a suggestion.

Since we supposedly invaded Iraq to get control of their oil, why can’t we invade another country to confiscate their good credit? 

I nominate Switzerland.

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